I can’t delete things if peons, I mean contributors, don’t write things first. So with that in mind I’d like to send out some invites for guest bloggers that came to mind while I surfed all 137 godforsaken channels on my cable at 3 in the morning yesterday. I ended up finding some minor celebrities that I think could be forced to blog for us. Consider these two people:

• On an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation I briefly passed, some aliens were beamed up and the bald captain turned to the guy standing behind a table and said “Thank you Ensign Bearclaw” (at least in my stupor, that’s what it sounded like to me). Anyway, I don’t know what episode this was, but it must have been late in the season because it’s was clear that the budget for alien costumes had already been blown–the only thing that made these aliens look “alien” was some plastic nose and lame hair cut. So I don’t know who this actor was, but since every loser who thinks they’re important has a blog these days, I’ll bet this guy does too! So maybe he can write here and tell us what the buffet table was like the day he worked on Star Trek, or really any mindless drivel will suffice.
• I found Girl in Shower #3 when I woke up and realized I slept through all but the credits in Porky’s 2: The Next Day. At least here I have a name: April Summers. I’m sure if you’re biggest contribution to life on Earth is appearing naked in a shower scene in a C-grade 80’s skin film, there’s a great chance you’ve started a blog to tell people about it and remind anyone who will listen why Pee-Wee was called Pee-Wee.

So let’s find these people and make them blog for my amusement! We’re into day three here and I haven’t made a red cent! Pretty soon I’m going to smit someone just to prove that I can!!

Growing up in small town in Michigan, Chuck Donner always wondered why pictures of his great-great grandfather always showed him facing sideways. “I know some people have a best side, they like to show when they get their picture taken, but it turns out Papi Donner’s best side made a tasty beef jerky.” Chuck found this out fourteen years ago when a class assignment required him to trace his family’s history. “As it turns out, Papi Donner was one of the only survivors of the ill-fated Donner party.” tells Chuck looking down at the floor.

“I knew at that point, I knew I really had two choices I could try and channel my feelings into something creative, or just find out if “it” really does taste like chicken.” Chuck remembers. So he picked up a guitar and starting writing songs about life in those long-gone days when Papi Donner lived.

His most recent offering, Pork and Brains is shocking friends, but Chuck just laughs and says “Hey I gotta make a livin’ right?”

A podcast of his work is not available, having been banned in 48 states.

As I was driving down my local throughfare, a thought occured to me that made me realize I was a lucky man. I can blog. I can write things that are important to me, regardless of how irrelavent they are to anyone else. I can post those thoughts on the web, for all the world to see. I can even mispell words and still call myself a writer (Hell, I’m not even sure if I spelled mispelled correctly.)

The point is, I blog, therefore I’m great.

Now discuss, my useless throngs that I shall ignore!