October 30, 2007 at 6:59 pm · Filed under Cheap Ass Entrepreneur ·Tagged chain gangs, indie music, Mao Tse-tung, milk, Poker
After the response to my first blog, you knew it was only a matter of time before I found time to blog again and pretend I know what I’m talking about!
Let’s face it: being in debt sucks! It’s hard enough to start your own business, and it’s even harder when you have to sneak into your own house after midnight so you don’t run into the landlord. And yes there are times when you’d like to treat your family to great meal with all the fixings at some fancy “Burger King”, but you just found out your editor bumped your story about “Where Milk Comes From” out of this week’s issue of your local give-away newspaper. So here are some cheap ass entrepreneur tips for getting debt free!
- “Borrow” instead of buy – The next time you need something, just think of people you know who already have it. Most people have more stuff than they really need, so just help yourself. And don’t forget to offer to help people look for missing items, that way they’ll be less inclined to think you stole from them!
- Sell accounts receivable - In business, this is the money that other people owe you. The idea is you can sell future money at a discount to someone else and have money today. Consider this example: You tell your bouncer friend Butch that last night you and Steve were playing poker and Steve owes you 50 bucks, if Butch gives you 40 today, he can just collect Steve’s 50 bucks next week. Then next week, when Steve is getting his ass handed to him by Butch, (all the while crying he’s doesn’t know anything about a Poker debt), you’ll have 40 bucks to spend!
- Use pretend family members to secure credit – Consider applying for a credit card in your dog’s name, or just use dead relatives! If you don’t have any dead relatives, just pick up your local paper. They publish the names of dead people everyday!
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October 29, 2007 at 4:19 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged after hours banking, Carl Barks, Library, pygmies, woman in glasses
In an effort to find a more diverse audience, I’m looking for one of the least-heard segments of our society to step up and start blogging! If you’re a librarian, political activist, blogger, or simply have an interest in library politics, this blog is for you! Blog on and tell us what’s new in the dewey decimal system, how to put your hair into a tight bun, or what happens to kids you find looking at nude pygmies in National Geographic. Perhaps you have a story to tell of what goes on at the library “after hours”.
And if the library isn’t your cup of tea, just write a post telling me how great my blog is!
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October 25, 2007 at 6:08 pm · Filed under Pointless thoughts ·Tagged Girls in Showers, indie music, Lady Bird Johnson, nerds, smiting heathens
I can’t delete things if peons, I mean contributors, don’t write things first. So with that in mind I’d like to send out some invites for guest bloggers that came to mind while I surfed all 137 godforsaken channels on my cable at 3 in the morning yesterday. I ended up finding some minor celebrities that I think could be forced to blog for us. Consider these two people:
- On an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation I briefly passed, some aliens were beamed up and the bald captain turned to the guy standing behind a table and said “Thank you Ensign Bearclaw” (at least in my stupor, that’s what it sounded like to me). Anyway, I don’t know what episode this was, but it must have been late in the season because it’s was clear that the budget for alien costumes had already been blown–the only thing that made these aliens look “alien” was some plastic nose and lame hair cut. So I don’t know who this actor was, but since every loser who thinks they’re important has a blog these days, I’ll bet this guy does too! So maybe he can write here and tell us what the buffet table was like the day he worked on Star Trek, or really any mindless drivel will suffice.
- I found Girl in Shower #3 when I woke up and realized I slept through all but the credits in Porky’s 2: The Next Day. At least here I have a name: April Summers. I’m sure if you’re biggest contribution to life on Earth is appearing naked in a shower scene in a C-grade 80′s skin film, there’s a great chance you’ve started a blog to tell people about it and remind anyone who will listen why Pee-Wee was called Pee-Wee.
So let’s find these people and make them blog for my amusement! We’re into day three here and I haven’t made a red cent! Pretty soon I’m going to smit someone just to prove that I can!!
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October 25, 2007 at 2:52 pm · Filed under Cheap Ass Entrepreneur ·Tagged beer, liabilities, moonwalk, software, Suckers
Welcome to my first guest blog here for business people starting to scratch. I’m the cheap ass entrepreneur and I’m here to offer tips on how to make millions without spending a lot of your own dough. Today’s lesson is for people thinking about starting a software company. Some internet jarhead out there has offered tips (link withheld) which I’ll adapt into five principles for you to think about.
1. Don’t buy what you can take. Consider the case of my fellow cheap ass entrepreneur, let’s call her “Peggy Pillpusher”. Peggy worked in the medical field and was able to stuff enough things in her purse each day that she was able to run a successful side business from the corner block where she lived. Eventually, Peggy made enough money to quit her regular job and devote herself full-time to being a cheap ass entrepreneur.
2. Learn those garbage routes. Companies are always throwing stuff away and if you need computer stuff you just need to find out when that stuff is heading to the dumpster. One good tip I’ve found is that a case of Thunderbird is usually enough to get most janitors to let you know when you need to drive your car to the back of the building.
5. Don’t be too proud to beg. Consider starting a website to ask business or individuals to donate things to you. Be sure to talk about your grand plans and your humble beginnings. You can even try to impress people with made-up success stories, like that high school garage band that once toured a 3-mile radius.
So there you go, five tips to get you started as a cheap ass entrepreneur. Remember if any of these work for you, you owe me a beer…or an A/C for my home office.
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October 24, 2007 at 4:42 pm · Filed under Obey Thy Blogger, Why I'm so great ·Tagged cheap, God, how to get posters to work for free, Me, Why I am God, Why you're not God
I chose a picture of the world for this post for a reason. Because even though you may live ON it, I rule it. Every once in a while, I shall allow you (the masses) to suggest things to post. Why? Because I am God here, that’s why.
And… because inherentally, truth be told, I’m as lazy as a homeless person on tranquilizers.
See, my goal is to eventually have all of you create posts for me. Then, reply to those posts…so that in actuality, you’ll be commenting to yourselves. Why? Because the sheer thought of that assurd notion pleasures me. I am All powerful and All-wise.
I welcome all kinds of guest posts, including local hometown news, what’s eating you, information about what you found in your pockets last week, why you’re attracted to your first cousin, etc. (Nothing shall be off-base, because anything is better than listening to me.)
The real crux is that your post matches our topics. See those inane streams listed on the right side of the page…that would be them.
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October 24, 2007 at 3:56 pm · Filed under Pointless thoughts ·Tagged Cannibalism, Entertaining, Fine Dining, indie music, Swiss Miss
Growing up in small town in Michigan, Chuck Donner always wondered why pictures of his great-great grandfather always showed him facing sideways. “I know some people have a best side, they like to show when they get their picture taken, but it turns out Papi Donner’s best side made a tasty beef jerky.” Chuck found this out fourteen years ago when a class assignment required him to trace his family’s history. “As it turns out, Papi Donner was one of the only survivors of the ill-fated Donner party.” tells Chuck looking down at the floor.
“I knew at that point, I knew I really had two choices I could try and channel my feelings into something creative, or just find out if “it” really does taste like chicken.” Chuck remembers. So he picked up a guitar and starting writing songs about life in those long-gone days when Papi Donner lived.
His most recent offering, Pork and Brains is shocking friends, but Chuck just laughs and says “Hey I gotta make a livin’ right?”
A podcast of his work is not available, having been banned in 48 states.
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October 24, 2007 at 3:53 am · Filed under My interactions with the masses, Why I'm so great ·Tagged arrogance, cheap diners, crappy job, loathing, misery, pants around ankles, sugar
Slobbering on a Triple-Double in the back of a local diner yesterday, I was reminded of what my father once told me: “Never get caught… especially if what you’re doing involves taking your pants dow to your ankles.”
I’ve been rotting away in my hometown for over 39 years now, and in all that time, the place hasn’t burned to the ground and ended my misery, despite how hard I pray for it to do so.
As I looked at the man running the diner, I felt compelled to impart on him the wisdom I have accrued in my many years of spinning my wheels in my dead-end job. But alas, he wasn’t worth it…so I stiffed him for the tip and put my cigarette out in his sugar bowl.
Poor pathetic souls…
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October 23, 2007 at 10:02 pm · Filed under Pointless thoughts ·Tagged fingers, hand, loser, right hand, wrist
As I was driving down my local throughfare, a thought occured to me that made me realize I was a lucky man. I can blog. I can write things that are important to me, regardless of how irrelavent they are to anyone else. I can post those thoughts on the web, for all the world to see. I can even mispell words and still call myself a writer (Hell, I’m not even sure if I spelled mispelled correctly.)
The point is, I blog, therefore I’m great.
Now discuss, my useless throngs that I shall ignore!
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